why do cheetos always look like penises
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
