he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
