Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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