You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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