My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
