yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
