yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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