I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
