I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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