toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
