I looked at my own cervix.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
