He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
