my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
