i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We need to rekindle our bromance
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
