He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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