his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
