I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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