I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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