the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You smell like stripper and shame
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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