My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
