And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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