I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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