last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i dont even know how to be here
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
