So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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