I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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