dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
