our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
