Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
