I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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