Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Drake has all the answers
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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