I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
