even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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