Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
