did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
