I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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