she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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