I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
