She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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