shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
