Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
