Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
