Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
