When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize