in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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