my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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