got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
