I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
