her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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