420 ftw
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
