I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
