just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
