sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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