Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
