i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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