Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
