You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
