i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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